


i'm not myself, feel like i'm someone else

by hanorganaas



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Child Death, Community: hc_bingo, Everyone wants Andrew Garner as their ex, F/M, Gunshot Wounds, Hurt Melinda May, Hurt/Comfort, Not Ward friendly, Protective Phil Coulson, violence against a child
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-04-06 00:19:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4200678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanorganaas/pseuds/hanorganaas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“When I saw that little girl go down,” She continued, “I didn’t see her. I saw Katya. I saw that same look of disbelief and I broke.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm not myself, feel like i'm someone else

**Author's Note:**

> Written for **HC_Bingo** using the "Combat" Square.
> 
> Prompt by Daria234 _one of them is more affected by combat than they let on - of course the other one knows_
> 
> Oh Helen/Andrew......Kelly's complete and utter fault.

It was chaos. Guns fired. Civilians scrambled everywhere trying to find shelter before they were caught in the crossfire, and here was Melinda May in a cat and mouse shoot out game with Hydra's newest leader Grant Ward.

It was a dance. Ward poked out from behind a wall and fired. Melinda ducked before the bullets would hit her. Instead she would be grazed by debris as the bullet struck the wall. Then it would be her turn to fire and Ward would dodge the bullets before running to the next wall firing at Melinda as he did before starting the dance again by hiding behind a wall again.

She didn't know how long this went on for. It felt like hours even though it could have been minutes. She was wasting time. She could have been helping the others like Skye, Hunter, Mack and Bobbi as they fought off Hydra goons.

But Melinda was so hell bent on taking Ward down everything else didn't seem to matter. Her determination was keeping her moving until she hit her hit her mark.

She was a lioness hunting her prey but even Lionesses had their weakness.

And soon it came out.

There was a gunshot either from his or her weapon causing Ward to stop dead in his tracks. Her eyes met Ward's and suddenly his face went pale. She or someone else must have hit him and he was in shock. Either way this was Melinda's chance to take him down. She raised her gun steady in her hands and aimed at his head cocking the gun she took a deep breath and then...

The pained cries of a young girl broke her crystal clear focus.

"Mommy! Somebody help me!"

It became clear what spooked Ward enough to have the gun rattling in his hands.. There was a girl no older than 10 sprawled in the middle of the road holding her bloodied leg. Her tear stained eyes looking a shock and fear as her blood stained hands held the wound created by the bullet. 

“It’s the bitch’s fault,” He muttered, his voice cracking a not surprising thing for him to say. He often blamed when he truly regretted something he did. Shooting a child even by mistake was something he truly wanted to avoid, “She was in my way! I wouldn’t have shot her she was in my way.”

From Melinda’s angle it looked like she was going to survive. But it didn’t stop her from recognizing how PAINFULLY familiar this scene was. 

“I’m scared!” The girl cried.

_You killed mother. And now there is so much pain. I like all their pain. I'm scared. I want to leave._

Seconds passed Melinda stood frozen, but the memories began to flood her brain one right after the other, like water rushing into a sinking ship.

How she went to Bahrain on a simple trip to intake an unregistered gifted. How her team was kidnapped along with a beautiful little girl full of life, by their target’s followers. How Melinda took it upon herself to save them. How she fought her way to save them, being beaten bloody and bruised in the process…only to find out the unregistered gifted they were after was not the target but her daughter Katya the girl she was trying to save …

Things started to become vivid.

Katya coming with her hand outreached asking for her pain. Melinda picking up a gun and raising it at Katya before firing it at her chest. The blood as the bullet ripped through the cavity and embedded in her ribcage flew out like a gory explosion. The girl stumbled looking at Melinda in shock before falling to the ground like a heap of crumpled laundry.

The ground spun beneath Melinda as she was unsteady on her feet. Her breathing sharp. The victim caught in hers and Ward’s crossfire had the same look of shock as Katya. It was almost as if for a brief moment she came alive again just to taunt her. 

Melinda was so dazed and her emotions were so untamed, she didn’t see the upcoming danger. Ward had used her brief lapse with reality to his advantage. 

A sound of a gun jolted her out of her trance. Before she even had time to react a bullet ripped through her stomach. Her gun dropped to the ground. On instinct her hands landed on her stomach putting pressure on the bleeding. Her legs gave out. Falling to the ground next to injured girl.

She looked to the sky. Black spots fading her vision as she struggled for air. The last thing she heard before the darkness overcame was the frantic voice of the little girl telling her to hang on.

* * *

Phil looked absent mindedly in small window that looked into the operating room. A small group of Doctors sent by the new Avengers facility worked on Melinda. He sighed. It was one of these moments where he wanted to the answer to where that god forsaken kree rock took Jemma. But Fury assured them that the Doctor they sent, Doctor Helen Cho was one of the best. 

It didn’t ease his worry. Melinda was still injured. He was unsure if organs were hit. There was still uncertainty she was going to survive like the little girl who was caught in the crossfire.

“AC,” A voice said from behind him. Phil turned his head slightly. It was Skye. Her face full of worry. She was the one who saw Melinda go down and according the rest of the team had to be ripped off her when the Doctor’s loaded her into the bay, “Andrew is here. Should I tell him to wait in the longue?”

“Send him in,” Phil said, “He has every right to be here as much as me.” Skye turned heels and made her way to the lounge, “oh and Skye….get some sleep. I’ll wake you if anything changes.”

Skye nodded her head and made her way to the longue. Phil’s eyes turned on the procedure going on in front of him once again. Dr. Cho turned her head to one of her assistants who began putting a bag of donated blood onto an IV.

“Come on Melinda,” He said quietly. 

Sometimes he felt as though he had too much faith in her. He saw Melinda so many times get beaten and maimed only to get back on her own two feet and fight again. It was like her body was made of steel. But sometimes people were just too lucky and one day without warning their luck ran out.

He knew this well. It happened to him with Loki.

Was this that time where her luck ran out? Losing a fight which she could have won if Ward hadn’t…been his same careless self. 

He curled his fist. Stay positive. He wasn’t going to lose her. Not here, not now not when….everything was just starting for them. 

“I came as soon as I could,” Andrew said interrupting his thoughts. 

“It’s nice to know you don’t fall under the asshole ex Cliche,” Phil said keeping his eyes on the scene. Stomach was cut open. They were beginning to repair the tissue damaged by Ward’s fucking gun.

A small smile curled on Andrew’s lips. It wasn’t the famous “Andrew Garner Smile” that Melinda once fell for hook, line and sinker. It was subdued. Some of his heart was still with her. He was just as worried as Phil.

“Just because we are not together anymore doesn’t mean I don’t worry,” Andrew said quietly, “Lourdes still considers Melinda her mother.” He took a deep breath. “It’s also nice to know you don’t fit the jealous current boyfriend cliche either.”

Phil chuckled lightly turning his head to Andrew for a brief moment before turning his head back to the scene. It was total silence. Phil could see at the corner of his eye Andrew cringing every time he saw the surgeons work deeper in. 

That's the thing about Shrinks. They were always so empathetic.

“What happened?” Andrew said breaking the silence.

“We were looking for leads in hopes to find Simmons,” Phil began standing still, “we found one possible location but….Hydra was there. There was a shootout which Civilians were involved.” He curled his fist, already tense, tighter. “Melinda got into a shooting fight with Grant Ward and….a little girl...was shot in the process.”

 _Bahrain,_ Andrew mouthed closing his eyes for a moment.

“The little girl,” He asked. “Was she killed?”

“Nope,” Phil said, “She was non fatally injured and is expected to make a full recovery with physical therapy but,” He paused. Doctor Cho had lifted something to her eye level and nodded. They got the bullet. Placing the bullet on the table they began to prepare to close her up. “The whole thing spooked Melinda reminded her of Bahrain. Ward used it as his opportunity and shoot her.” Phil sighed deeply. “I don’t get it Andrew….she seemed to heal. Especially after that vacation she took herself. Why did she….” He swallowed. “Why did she lose it again?”

At that point they brought in a large device. Slowly they led the bridge of it over to where Melinda was shot. Doctor Cho pushed a few buttons at the top of the device. Soon small lasers began moving over the skin beginning to heal the bleeding wound. 

“While I was receiving my Doctorate,” Andrew said looking down for a moment, “I had an internship at the National Center for PTSD. And I had so many patients suffering from it. Mostly those who….just came home from War.” Phil nodded. “Many cases were the same. Somethings they saw at home jolted memories...but with a month or two of therapy….they were fine. But there was one unique case I had. An older gentleman, an elementary school teacher who was in the Vietnam War and a previous sufferer was fine for about….a decade and one day he went to pick up his students from Gym class and a massive panic attack was caused by seeing his Students play dodgeball.”

Andrew lifted his head. 

“PTSD is a strange beast Phil,” He said “sometimes it never comes. Sometimes it lays dormant for years. And sometimes you get it, conquer it and years down the line get it again. I know you said you aren’t triggered by what happened in the battle of New York, but one day you could be walking down the street and see someone dressed as Loki….and you lose it.”

It did hold some form of comfort for Phil having Andrew here. Knowing that someone had a vast knowledge on the human brain and it’s properties, helped him move forward and figure out his next course of action.

“How should I proceed with helping her if she wakes up?” Phil said.

“You and I both know Melinda well,” Andrew said. “She doesn’t like being weak. She will hit herself over this. The best thing you can do is let her know her feelings are valid but she is not weak she’s human.”

Phil reached over to pat Andrew on the back.

“Thank you it really helps to have the ex be a helpful shrink” He said.

“I will always make sure Melinda is okay,” Andrew responded, “you know this.”

Phil nodded.

“I do.”

Someone cleared their throat behind them. Both men turned in unison to face Doctor Cho. Phil took a quick scope of her, seeing if there is any sign of distress. Other than being covered in blood there was a sense of relief. A good sign right?

“Director Coulson,” She paused to turn to Andrew and smiled lightly, ”Andrew”

“Helen,” Andrew responded smiling back.

Phil blinked for a moment. First name basis. He would ask about that later once he knew Melinda was okay.

“How is Agent May?” Phil asked taking a sharp breath. His heart was racing in uncertainty. It felt the same way when Skye was shot by Ian Quinn one year ago.

“She is a lucky woman,” Doctor Cho said, “The bullet hit deep but it missed her vital organs. Currently we have the Cradle patching her up but she should make a full recovery. However because we don’t know how fragile the synthetic skin is during its first days on the patient and it doesn’t stop pain receptors, I suggest Melinda take a couple of days off.”

Phil took a deep breath feeling all the tension draining out of him. He could see Andrew’s full smile slowly creeping back as well.

“Thank you for your hard work Doctor Cho,” Phil said, “Can we see her?”

“The Cradle is going to take a couple of hours to finish repairing the Skin but after than and she is conscious you can see her.” Doctor Cho said with a grin, “now if you excuse me. I got to finish overseeing the the Cradle's progress. I’ll see you later Andrew.”

As she descended back into the operation room, Andrew turned his head to Phil.

“I know what you are thinking but that’s a story for another time,” Andrew said with a grin, “right now I would like to ask if it is alright to bring Lourdes to the base? She knows Melinda was injured and would probably want to see her.”

“She would need to be debriefed but of course,” Phil said, “Lian would probably want to see her too before she has a kinipshin for failing to inform her that her daughter was shot anyway.”

Andrew smiled and pulled out his cellphone.

“Thanks,” He said before stepping to the side dialing his phone, “Lour, it’s daddy...yeah she’s okay....”

The words blurred out as Phil turned his head to look at the scene again. Even with the tubes and the wires keeping her sedated, she looked for the most part peaceful. He felt himself calming down, his heart rate returning to its steady pace. But it wasn’t quite there yet. There was something that kept it beating quickly.

Melinda was finally settling down to person she once was. Beautiful, charming and funny Melinda. The one who was fearless and did not doubt herself. But this….this could throw her off track and bring her back to the place she started.

It begged him the question. Her wounds would heal….

But would her mind heal?

* * *

Phil stood in the doorway as Melinda finished interacting with her former husband, her former stepdaughter and Doctor Cho. Andrew smiled with his arm wrapped around Doctor Cho as Melinda was pointing out some of the badges on Lourdes’ police uniform. From the looks of it she was smiling though her usual exuberance was down thanks to morphine. 

But her eyes said differently. Her eyes read thousands of negative emotions, sadness, disappointment and pain. He didn’t know if it was because she was feeling pain or was in shock for looking death in the face, or failure for letting Bahrain affect her again.

Maybe it was a little of both. 

Melinda lifted her head and took a long look at Phil for a brief moment. He could see her eyes were trying their best to mask the way they were feeling. It dismayed him when she did that. They knew each other for years. They have been with each other since their journey into S.H.I.E.L.D. He didn’t quite understand why she needed to hid from him sometimes.

She had nothing to prove.

Her eyes left his and moved to Andrew.

“I am really glad you came to visit and introduced me to your new girlfriend,” Melinda said her voice harsh, “though Helen I wished we met on better circumstances.” Doctor Cho nodded and mouthed _likewise._ “But I am tired I wish to speak with Phil before I rest.”

Andrew nodded and kissed Melinda on the hand before walking out with Doctor Cho. Melinda reached out to kiss Lourdes on the head before following behind.

“I can’t believe Lourdes is a Police Officer,” Phil said with a small smile as he shut the door behind him, “I remember it was last week I watched her play little league softball while you and Andrew had your second Honeymoon.”

Melinda was quiet. She slowly rested her head against the pillow. Her eyes turned to the vase of followers on her desk.

“The girl is she?” Melinda said raising an eyebrow.

“She’s fine,” Phil said making his way slowly to her bedside, “she’s asking about the nice lady who tried to kill the bad man in fact.” The words caused Melinda to smile slightly before it quickly faded. “And what about you? Are you okay?” 

Silence. Melinda only closed her eyes for a minute breathing in and out from her nose. Phil settled himself down at the edge of the bed. He grabbed her hand lightly with his good hand, while his metal hand traced circles amongst the skin of her arm in a comforting motion. She seemed to like that. Her hand squeezed his.

“Melinda it’s okay,” Phil said, “you can trust me.”

Melinda sniffed. Swallowing. She was trying hard not to break. But like many things this was becoming an uphill battle. 

“I went on vacation to finally put Bahrain behind me…” Melinda said her voice cracking, “I was finally coming around….even my mother. said I looked better than I did in ages.”

“I know,” Phil said smiling in reassurance trying his best how happy she was finding herself again, “it’s wonderful.”

“When I saw that little girl go down,” She continued, “I didn’t see her. I saw Katya. I saw that same look of disbelief and I broke.” She opened her eyes they were glassy starting to build up with tears. “I am so….fucking Angry with myself Phil, you have no idea. I let Ward go. I let him shoot me because I let it affect me again.”

“Don’t be,” Phil said, “Bahrain is never going to go away. There are going to be times you go out into combat and see things that remind you of it. It doesn’t make you a failure….it makes you human.”

Melinda lifted her hand and rested it against his cheek. Her fingers moving against the smooth skin and contours. It was a comfort for her. 

“I love you Melinda Qiaolian May,” Phil said with his his smile becoming wider, “You are strong, you are brave, you are witty empathetic….you’re a survivor. And one little lapse from a terrible memory….isn’t going to to stop that. You are allowed to feel the way you feel. But don’t hate yourself Melinda I love you and it hurts me to see that.”

Melinda lifted her head as much as her strength allowed her to, with Phil gently pulling her closer so she wouldn’t collapse. Their lips touched gently. Soft and quick like a tap or a whisper. When she pulled back, Phil rested his hand against her cheek. His fingers running against her cheek.

“Do you need to cry?” Phil asked. Melinda nodded her head. Just like seven years ago he pulled her close against his chest. Her head rested there letting all her emotions come out as she sobbed. “It’s okay Melinda.”

He did simple gestures of love. He rocked her back and forth, running his hand through her hair and placing small kisses on her brow. Anything and everything to let her know he loved her and he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

“We’re going to get through this baby...together...we always do.”


End file.
